Changes and how that redefines us

So... by once again picking up and moving everything I own to a different state, and making a whole new beginning, a lot of change has invaded my life. Another phase of work, having to once again make all new friends in a place as foreign to me as Christmas with palm trees... oh wait, that is here! :)Anyhow, just a lot of changes.

Last week I broke up with one of the most amazing women I have ever met, if not the most amazing. Why did I do this? yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. Do I feel better about my life? Honestly I find it hard to feel much of anything, and I hate myself for it. I had totally lost myself in devotion and love, and whether I am shutting myself off to not feel, or if I am just incapable of really feeling anything right now, I just don't feel.

Hence I am struggling to redefine myself. Who am I? (Not in the heavenly sense, I know that my heavenly father loves me, and do feel that very strongly, I will never doubt that.)

We conform, redefine, and modify in very small portions ourselves when we are around other people. I get very quite and shy. I don't know how to really keep conversations going, I don't like being the center of attention, and I really don't like big parties with lots of random people. yet I think all of those things are good. So good in fact that I keep trying. And in that, I am trying to change my character for the better (I hope). I firmly believe that we can change who we are. And I also strongly believe that we should. Accept who we are? Yes, but make ourselves better. And that sometimes means putting other things that we care about behind us to move on. To be better humans, better children of God. And I strive to do that. I have been doing that. Attempting to better myself as a person, as a man, to one day be a good father, a great husband, and an honest and decent yet simple person.

But I have begun to wonder if I went too far. Have I lost myself? Do I know who I am and what I want? I begin to doubt the merit of some things, and feel the pains of others... (like running) ;-)

I know what I want. I want to be happy, I want to love, I want to be a righteous husband and father. Yet as I wait, what do I want? What drives me when there is no one to date, and no desire to do so? I should be driven to bigger and better things right? I should want to become better. Will I be substituting my desire for a family, for the desire to succeed? As I begin to throw myself into a new in devour, with everything I have... Will I have enough? And is it placed properly? Will I become someone driven by ambition, and not love? The sad thing is, I can see myself falling into that trap. Maybe that's a good thing. As I see it, I can avoid it.

Fear is a new companion. I am afraid. And it's kind of a first. I mean sure I'm sometimes afraid of the dark, and slimy slithery things. But never of where I was going, and who I was becoming. Prospects are a little bleak. And now I begin to wonder. Not depressed. Just pensive. And slightly afraid of making a mistake. I've made mistakes. But have I made some that keep me alone? Have I not been as out going as I could have been? Have I not been honest enough with myself? I do fear being alone.

And then maybe... This is what the Lord wants for me. To struggle a little bit, to work at it, and be better. As I stare at a picture of Christ here by my computer... I have no reason to fear. I don't understand it, and that's hard for me. I like to understand. I like to know.

Now, why am I writing? I am doing this as a first step of trying to open up better. To be more approachable, and more humble. Will I ever post this? Good question, but at least it's down. There aren't even any answers here, and actually it leaves more questions now than when I started, but it is a start. It terrifies me to think that people are going to read this. I guess it's time to work on conquering a few fears. (And pray that no one reads it.) :)