Changes and how that redefines us

So... by once again picking up and moving everything I own to a different state, and making a whole new beginning, a lot of change has invaded my life. Another phase of work, having to once again make all new friends in a place as foreign to me as Christmas with palm trees... oh wait, that is here! :)Anyhow, just a lot of changes.

Last week I broke up with one of the most amazing women I have ever met, if not the most amazing. Why did I do this? yeah, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself. Do I feel better about my life? Honestly I find it hard to feel much of anything, and I hate myself for it. I had totally lost myself in devotion and love, and whether I am shutting myself off to not feel, or if I am just incapable of really feeling anything right now, I just don't feel.

Hence I am struggling to redefine myself. Who am I? (Not in the heavenly sense, I know that my heavenly father loves me, and do feel that very strongly, I will never doubt that.)

We conform, redefine, and modify in very small portions ourselves when we are around other people. I get very quite and shy. I don't know how to really keep conversations going, I don't like being the center of attention, and I really don't like big parties with lots of random people. yet I think all of those things are good. So good in fact that I keep trying. And in that, I am trying to change my character for the better (I hope). I firmly believe that we can change who we are. And I also strongly believe that we should. Accept who we are? Yes, but make ourselves better. And that sometimes means putting other things that we care about behind us to move on. To be better humans, better children of God. And I strive to do that. I have been doing that. Attempting to better myself as a person, as a man, to one day be a good father, a great husband, and an honest and decent yet simple person.

But I have begun to wonder if I went too far. Have I lost myself? Do I know who I am and what I want? I begin to doubt the merit of some things, and feel the pains of others... (like running) ;-)

I know what I want. I want to be happy, I want to love, I want to be a righteous husband and father. Yet as I wait, what do I want? What drives me when there is no one to date, and no desire to do so? I should be driven to bigger and better things right? I should want to become better. Will I be substituting my desire for a family, for the desire to succeed? As I begin to throw myself into a new in devour, with everything I have... Will I have enough? And is it placed properly? Will I become someone driven by ambition, and not love? The sad thing is, I can see myself falling into that trap. Maybe that's a good thing. As I see it, I can avoid it.

Fear is a new companion. I am afraid. And it's kind of a first. I mean sure I'm sometimes afraid of the dark, and slimy slithery things. But never of where I was going, and who I was becoming. Prospects are a little bleak. And now I begin to wonder. Not depressed. Just pensive. And slightly afraid of making a mistake. I've made mistakes. But have I made some that keep me alone? Have I not been as out going as I could have been? Have I not been honest enough with myself? I do fear being alone.

And then maybe... This is what the Lord wants for me. To struggle a little bit, to work at it, and be better. As I stare at a picture of Christ here by my computer... I have no reason to fear. I don't understand it, and that's hard for me. I like to understand. I like to know.

Now, why am I writing? I am doing this as a first step of trying to open up better. To be more approachable, and more humble. Will I ever post this? Good question, but at least it's down. There aren't even any answers here, and actually it leaves more questions now than when I started, but it is a start. It terrifies me to think that people are going to read this. I guess it's time to work on conquering a few fears. (And pray that no one reads it.) :)

Video Dating...

So this is what I call a Long distance Video Date! Tawna picks the picture and I describe it! When you live 9.256 hours away by car... (trust me it's that exact, I just drove it...) you gotta be a little bit creative! And if this isn't creative, then I'm a slug.

I like to think that there are many phrases (note choice there) that can shimmy away from the letter that starts your lovely name. It might be more trying to, were I wanting not use the letter 'T', however, that is not the case. As it is, this hour I am choosing to write about a fish. But not just any fish, the tail (or two) of a two-tail owning fish. & about the boy who ate them. His name is -ixon. -ixon Keith. Or Kieth (as some would say.) TO be completely honest, sometimes I think we all fee like two-tail fish. We get our directions all mixed up and we can't decide if we want to head to Alaska for some marvelous halibut fish and chips, or down to tropics for sandy beaches and surfing... so we just end up getting stuck right pushing both ways! I don't really envy the boy who ate that two-tail fish... he must be confused. So confused in fact that he missed the work signs that are all over the place here in New York at work! and let me tell you ALL over the place.


Here is just one example of thousands of signs that were just trying to get him to be cautious... but that two tailed fish caused him such distress that when one half of him tried to go south and other half tried to go north... well he did one of these....


And let me tell my friends, that that is never a good feeling. especially with a pretty lady taking the photo. You just can never live it down. You might even have to go to the doctor because you are feeling a little bit down, or even banged up. And when you are sitting there waiting for the doctor, because invariably you always wait, what do you see when you look over at the next seat? A COOKIE!!! So why not start up a conversation... and ask him why he needed to see the doctor... his reason- He was feeling crummy.

And that my friends and love is a wrap. Til next time... we are the incredible dynamic writing Wuo.

Does Love have a Shelf life?

There will be more to come, I just visited New York City and had a fantastic visit with my parents and Tawna! And I haven't written anything in 2 months so there is a lot to say! Just right now is not the best of times, I just had to get down a thought. And that thought is does Love have a shelf life? No it doesn't. But it seems to a little like a carbonated drink... if bottled and shaken...

New York to Boston and everywhere inbetween

SO, it's been a while sense I last "Blogged." I guess this is in the same category as journal writing for me. I have very good intentions to write frequently... and weeks and then months pass by and I haven't written a thing! We can chalk that up to laziness or some other really bad habit that I have. :-) But enough ragging on myself, here's a little bit about what I've been up to!

I am now a resident of New York State. Now that's cool. Yes I know it's a long ways from home... from everyone and every thing that I care about and know... but when you feel good about something, and the Lord says go for it... there really isn't much more to do than to go! Has that meant feeling lonely? Feeling out of place? Feeling lost? (sometimes quite literally) Even feeling wrong about where I am? The same answer comes up for each of these questions. YES! I have and do feel lonely. Out of place? Especially when there are few of us mormones living anywhere near here. Have I gotten lost? Ya a nice jog turned into a 2 hour run because of a silly assumption and a wrong turn. This of course was taking place at dusk, so the fireflies were out in full force, and three young cults (horses) pranced by me as I ran along the roadside to the middle of nowhere and back again. Now I guess that's two beautiful positives for one negative, dusk... not so cool, but fireflies and cults... awesome! If I hadn't been worried about turning into road kill like that deer I almost hit while talking on my bluetooth the first night I got here,(another story... another time) it would have been one pretty amazing run.
Work! Work is good. Of course it's different than going to school, but it also means I get paid. And I get to learn new things everyday! Some cool, some bureaucratic, but new things everyday. I'm on a schedule that allows me to take very other friday off. Which means that this past friday I went to Boston. Only a 3 hour drive to go to the temple. Nothing like the 5 minutes it took from Provo, but I can't complain. My priesthood lesson was on not being in a hurry, and listening more. I've always been one to drive without any music and to use that time to think. So that three hour temple drive (no the radio wasn't off all the time) was the prefect moment to just listen to my heart and my head. I heard many things. I understood even more. I miss the temple. I wish I could go more than just once a month, but that will be hard enough given where I live now. A sacrifice that is well worth it. More than worth it. It seems that every time I look inside there is always something more I can do better. The list must grow faster than I have time to think about them! We aren't going there. I don't want to splash my foibles all over the internet. Suffice it to say that I am working on being the best I can be. For friends, for my family, for my coworkers, for my best friend. That's a lot! ;-) And I do love the temple. I could have just laid under a tree and read all day at the base of the temple... but then what would Boston have said? It just might slip into the sea before I make it back next time! ;)

Boston was cool! Lonely all by myself, which was actually one of the reasons I went. I have always wanted to know what it would be like to go on a trip with just myself. Would I send more time a the museums? Or just people watching down by the wharf? Without others to offer suggestions, what would I do with my day?

Now that I've built it up, I really didn't do it a whole lot differently. Just with a whole lot less talking. hahaha. I visited Harvard (cool old architecture, but still an air of yuppie.) I found History! The USS Constitution, the oldest commissioned Naval ship, from the revolutionary war, and Bunker hill were favorites of mine. Parking tickets and Parking garages were one of my least favorites. I did meet two fun Auzzies who were touring the US. I got to take their picture for them. I also wandered down North market and see the funniest little boy who reminded me of me! A large crowd had stopped to watch a performer. I got there just in time for his finale, he was going to juggle three knifes while balancing a plate on a stick from his mouth all while on a tight rope. A little boy was holding his knifes and stick, with the performers (metal) plate on his head. The performer gets up and asks for his things, the boy hands him the first knife, but by looking up he losses the plate off his head. He spends the time to put the plate back on his head before handing the performer the second knife... which caused the plate to once again fall from his head. He diligently puts the plate back on his head before handing up the third and final knife. Once again dropping the plate. By the point the performer who is doing one impressive balancing act... just wants his stuff! Get on with the show! But of course little junior slowly puts the plate back on his head and then passes up the stick and finally the plate to the performer. The act went off without any other hitches, but the little blond haired boy just reminded me of me. I could see myself doing exactly that! taking the time to put back the plate each and every time! Trying so hard to keep it on, but the harder I tried, the faster is would fall off! Silly I know, but oh well. Good thoughts.

Ok, enough with the essay. I enjoyed Boston. Since I don't drink and was friendless that day, it did get rather lonely, but what can I do besides smile and make the best of it?? I refuse to sit at home and feel sorry to myself. I have never been one to do that,(at least for long periods of time) and I'm not about to start now.

An update for those who listen

I was asked for a little update... I guess I haven't really been paying a whole lot of attention to my blog lately. :-)

I'm not really sure what to say. I do know for a fact that I am bored out of my mind... Well not totally bored out of my mind... But now that finals are done or my one final (not going to talk about it, Stupid Religion teacher) All I have left is a little bit of work for the DIPPR lab, some packing and reorganizing there really isn't much that I have left to do. I am ready for a change. Ready to get out of BYU. I love BYU, I love Utah... but I need a change. I guess it's not so much from school as it is from everything else. I was actually accused last night of giving up on the world... It made me think. (Strange for me I know but it happens every once and a while.) I don't think I have given up on anyone, just straighten out my priorities and decided what I want for my immediate life. It got me thinking even more about my goals. I had to write a huge 10 page goals section for my Personal Finance Portfolio, and thinking about these, I know I haven't given up on the world or myself. I have learned several things about myself though over the past little while.

I've learned that I'm not nearly as patient and understanding as I should be. Life is never easy, that is one lesson that I am learning. I'm used to it being easy. I've had hardships but I've always had what I needed. Even what I've wanted. I have had to come to terms with no matter how hard I work, there some things I can't just 'work for.' There are things in life my that I have no control over. It's controlling what we can, and accepting what we can't control and trying to make the best of things.

I had a temple recommend renewal interview this past week, and as I in the interview I kept having these feelings that everything was ok. That I was ok. I answered the questions and then my bishop thanked me for not just giving rote answers, but thinking about the questions that I was being asked. I told him it was more than that. It was how I was feeling. He agreed with me, and we talked that that was what really mattered. How we were feeling, or how the Holy Ghost communicates with us is key. And are we listening? Am I listening?

There is another thing, probably one of the most important pieces of the puzzle that I have learned over this past few weeks. How to really listen. I can always be a better listener to other people, I definitely have a tendency to tune them out or a desire to leave the conversation when what they are saying is um... silly. That's the best word. but I'm talking about listening to myself and listening to the Holy Ghost. Or not listen, but quite my soul to really listen. What is it that I feel? What is it that the Lord desires of me? Taking time to be quite listen has made all the difference, and indicated some pretty silly things of my own.

Ok... on to a more jovial matter... Did anyone know that it has rained fish!?!? I learned the other day that there have been over 600 accounts of raining fish. Everything from the live startled fish falling out of the sky, to fish frozen in solid blocks of ice have been reported to have fallen from the ski. High winds come by and pick up the contents of a pond, pull it up into the upper atmosphere and then drop the animals. Depending on how long they stay airborne indicates whether or not they are frozen. Hahaha! I guess a better statement over it's raining cats and dogs is "it's raining frogs and fish!" Anyhow... I'm gunna sign off before I really go crazy. ;-)

To any who read this. I'm sorry. I know I'm weird.

Just something I liked from one of my classes.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.- Mother Teresa

Life

How we handle life in stressful, ugly, unwanted circumstances is really what defines us in life. Everything is great when life is easy. Honestly it really is. There have been times in my life when I have wondered what was wrong with me, because everything typically goes my way. I am a man accustomed to getting what he wants out of life. Good grades in high school, sports, adventures both winter and summer. I even dated a girl who I now call my friend. (she hated me for a long while... and actually I hated her back. It was a stupid mutual thing that we both got over.) I went to college not really knowing what I wanted to do. I got good grades (again) and then left on a mission to spread the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ. It was hard, but not. Life was easy, life was simple. You knew what you were supposed to do, and most importantly, you felt what you needed to do. The hard part was getting out of bed at 6:30 each and every morning. I got home and went back to school, deciding on a major I didn't really think I could do. I didn't think I was smart enough... but that made all the difference. It really wasn't that bad. I have decent grades, I got an awesome job doing exactly what I want to be doing, (I didnt even know it when I started my major) and I only interviewed with one company... in a crappy economy. So when I say that I am accustomed to getting what I want, it's true. Sure I worked hard, but things just always seemed to fall into place. (Anyone feel a but coming on?)

But... the one thing that my hearts yearns for. Aches for. Hasn't come easy. Hasn't come yet. The 1st time I learned a lot, and the 2nd well let's just hope I can put myself back together. Take comfort in the thought that I gave it everything? Or wonder where it went wrong? Running won't help, and most really don't care. We all have our own lives to live. Oh this could go on, and I would only get deeper and deeper into a place I won't go. So bottom line? Hope. Hope in the future, hope in God. Hope that the tears will stop flowing and sleep conquers.

We are defined both by man, and by God, by how we act. Act and not React. To react to how I feel in my situation would be both painful and destructive. To act with love, with kindness, with repentance... Now that I pray will help to define me. Will help me be the man I wish to be. I pray to be. I hope to be.

Enough said. There is no pain or sorrow or guilt, a painful smile maybe... but, only hurt.

High time for News

So, let's make this a little bit more up beat than the last one. I was certainly not in a very good mood that night. I lot has happened sense then. Christmas was great! I got to spend two weeks with Family, which you never really know how much you love them until you have to leave... or think about moving all the way across the country. And... I got to spend a few precious days with Tawna and her family. Though I'm a little sad that her little niece doesn't run around asking for me... ;-) Well not really, she knows the important people, Mom, dad, Grandpa, Grandma, and Tawna. I'm sure she knows Amber's name as well, I just haven't heard it.

School started again... the beginning of the end of my undergrad schooling... AWESOME, and I got a job offer in New York. Talk about really moving all the way across the country. After a few days of thoughts and prayer, the pros definitely outweighed the cons and so... TO NEW YORK! Before y'all get too excited, it's upstate new york and if you are all going to come visit, it's still a 2 hour drive to New York City. But still!!! The empire State had better watch out. (ya I also have tons of paperwork to fill out...)

School is same ol same ol. Though, I have been skiing 4 times in the last 8 days. hehehehe What the life hu? Nothing like good clean College living. I also Love my Personal Finance class. It's like a religion class about money and there isn't any other way to teach it. The integration of Gospel into seemingly mundane topics is another joy that I will be sorry to let go of when I leave for New York. BYU has brought many many blessings into my life. Friends, learning, and spiritual growth. What more can your ask for. (if anyone even mentions marriage, ya well... I put my trust and patience in the Lord and keep on truckin')

Updates soon to come...
Until then, See things as they really are. -Elder David A. Bednar