How we handle life in stressful, ugly, unwanted circumstances is really what defines us in life. Everything is great when life is easy. Honestly it really is. There have been times in my life when I have wondered what was wrong with me, because everything typically goes my way. I am a man accustomed to getting what he wants out of life. Good grades in high school, sports, adventures both winter and summer. I even dated a girl who I now call my friend. (she hated me for a long while... and actually I hated her back. It was a stupid mutual thing that we both got over.) I went to college not really knowing what I wanted to do. I got good grades (again) and then left on a mission to spread the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ. It was hard, but not. Life was easy, life was simple. You knew what you were supposed to do, and most importantly, you felt what you needed to do. The hard part was getting out of bed at 6:30 each and every morning. I got home and went back to school, deciding on a major I didn't really think I could do. I didn't think I was smart enough... but that made all the difference. It really wasn't that bad. I have decent grades, I got an awesome job doing exactly what I want to be doing, (I didnt even know it when I started my major) and I only interviewed with one company... in a crappy economy. So when I say that I am accustomed to getting what I want, it's true. Sure I worked hard, but things just always seemed to fall into place. (Anyone feel a but coming on?)
But... the one thing that my hearts yearns for. Aches for. Hasn't come easy. Hasn't come yet. The 1st time I learned a lot, and the 2nd well let's just hope I can put myself back together. Take comfort in the thought that I gave it everything? Or wonder where it went wrong? Running won't help, and most really don't care. We all have our own lives to live. Oh this could go on, and I would only get deeper and deeper into a place I won't go. So bottom line? Hope. Hope in the future, hope in God. Hope that the tears will stop flowing and sleep conquers.
We are defined both by man, and by God, by how we act. Act and not React. To react to how I feel in my situation would be both painful and destructive. To act with love, with kindness, with repentance... Now that I pray will help to define me. Will help me be the man I wish to be. I pray to be. I hope to be.
Enough said. There is no pain or sorrow or guilt, a painful smile maybe... but, only hurt.
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Keith, you know that I love your effot and attitude here. It just reminds me again and again of that humility in you (that you claim is not there ;) ) which I always see in such abudance in you. That humility, coupled with your desire to always try and look at the bright side or to have a good attitude (which, by the way, I have admired a lot lately and have wanted to better see in myself) are what are going to get you far, and right to where you and Heavenly Father eventually want you to be.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are feeling much better today. I know I am.
Depends on what you mean by feeling... ;-)
ReplyDeletewhat do YOU mean by feeling?? :)
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